Bow ties

So, I'm back in Arizona for the summer. Quite a few friends have scattered across the globe, and even the ones who are still here feel a bit disjointed. People are busy with their lives and schedules. But every once in a while, a few of us manage to get together.

The one instance I've managed to not be unsocial [except for brief excursions to the high school and (today) to Barnes & Noble with some friends] was the Glee Finale party hosted by my friend Kaylie. I wasn't sure about going at first--I hadn't been keeping up with the season, and I felt a little guilty leaving behind people at home, but ultimately I decided to go a little bit before the event. In the hours leading up to it, I searched frantically for a bow tie. The reason? I wanted to dress up like Darren Criss.

Alright, so it's Blaine Anderson to be exact. Darren Criss's style is a bit more varied than Blaine's, since it seems that since transferring to McKinley Blaine's been wearing a bow tie with every outfit. So, I needed a bow tie in order to dress up as Blaine--and maybe some suspenders too. Well, I drove around to the Goodwill, then in the other direction to another thrift shop, and I still couldn't find a bow tie! Lots of regular neckties, but I had enough of those. So I finally headed off to Walmart, hoping that they'd at least have some cheap, basic ones. No luck. Found some suspenders, but decided against investing in them. If I couldn't find a bow tie, then there was no point to them.

I headed home after 45 minutes of searching. I didn't exactly give up, though. Instead, I headed to my dad's closet to do some digging. It took a few minutes before I located his ties--just a measly few hanging on a hanger. But behold! there was indeed a bow tie. Unfortunately, it was a cheap one, made of extremely hard fabric with a fairly cheesy pattern...and it was velcro-ed on. The tie-enthusiast in me died a little, but it couldn't be helped! I tried it on and decided that it didn't look /too/ bad.

So...off to Kaylie's, where I discovered Kaylie dressed as Kurt! It was perfect, since over the winter we had taken a picture with us matching [wearing scarves and cardigans, ahaha]. Time for another snapshot!

The Christmas-time picture. :)

Klaine! Ahaha. :)

It was great, and the plot didn't require a lot of context. Just knowledge that the seniors were graduating [our high school's graduation was just a few days ahead!]. The episode mostly consisted of singing, and Finchel drama. Many cheesy moments, some questionable directing/storyline, but nothing that wasn't classically GLEE!

Anyway, you'd think that my obsession with bow ties would end with the conclusion of the need to dress up as Blaine. But nope--my brain doesn't let go of things that easily [perhaps I am more obsessive than I'd care to admit]. So, Friday afternoon, I went with my cousin and uncle to Scottsdale Fashion Square to locate some bow ties.

My expectation for their prices was that a cheap bow tie would cost around $5-$10, and an expensive one maybe $20. Turns out the super cheap ones were $30, with most being around the $60 range! Expectations shattered. [that said, $5 bow ties are available here.] We left without any bow ties [or pocket squares, which we spent a good 15 minutes looking at]. Instead, I left with a pair of $30 shoes [that my uncle paid for--I can't believe I let him do so without a fight! So ashamed of myself] that I can wear without socks. They look fairly nice!

Given my unsuccessful search, I resolved to look for some cheap bow ties in my time in China. But before giving up, I scoured the interwebs for more! eBay was actually fairly nice--there were a few that looked appealing and cheap. But I resisted the urge to make impulsive, late-night purchases, and instead looked around for some DIY guides. What I found were:

(1) Making a bow tie out of a neck tie. Both temporarily and actually. Since I didn't care to actually cut up one of my ties [or to obtain a tie just to cut it up] and definitely didn't have the skills to actually do so, I ended up doing this:

So tacky, I can't even...

(2) I found some actual DIY guides that I think will be feasible. This one in particular. I was actually leaning toward this at first, but then I realized [or rather, my cousin helped to remind me of] my dislike for these velcro bow ties. :P

So then I looked around for some fabric places near Cambridge and found this nice gem. I think I will be frequenting it at some point. The fabrics are cheap and nice looking. In particular, I think this would be a nice bow tie pattern. :)

Hopefully I don't kill my fingers attempting this, whenever I actually get around to it, if ever. Ahah.

When Good Comes Out of Bad

These last few days have been pretty shitty. Of course, it's been my own doing. Which makes it even worse.
I've harmed someone close to me, broken the trust given to me, overstepped boundaries that had been pretty well established. And now I'm crying over it because I'm a dumbass.

Still, some good has come of it.

I've discovered--or rather, rediscovered--that there are people willing to help me out, willing to be a shoulder to cry on, to put me in a warm and comforting embrace, to bring me out of my self-centered bad moods. Friends who I don't see on a regular basis have reached out and been so kind, have endured my stupid stories and my sour mood, have reassured me (perhaps falsely) that I am not an entirely terrible person.

It's good to know that one has friends.

And as for my victim. As for the friend I hurt, the close friend whose trust I broke. My victim has been extremely understanding. Though ultimately the problem won't be solved until we talk about this issue face-to-face, I've gotten help along the way. Yes, even from him. Especially from him. Despite my selfish and terrible and disgusting actions, he's still there for me, to some capacity. I can't get what I want from him--the hug, the smile, the pat on the head, the "It's okay, I understand"--no, not yet. He's not ready for that yet. And who am I to complain? I created the problem in the first place.

A final good coming out of this: I think the root cause of this problem has been discovered. And with that, it can be remedied. I'm making the steps toward seeking professional help for my issues, since I think I've bothered my friends enough. But more than that, I think I've reached an understanding within myself about what I need to do to prevent this from happening again. I can't promise that I'll be able to do it. It's really out of my control. But I will try my utmost to control it--not to suppress it, but to engage with it and to reason with it.

The heart is hard to translate, as Florence sings. And sometimes, when it speaks in the language of its own, it's hard to have a dialogue with it. It's hard to tell it to "calm yo shit." But I think it's possible. And I'd love to see that day when I heart no longer needs to fight against my brain, the day when the two are compatible. Might be a while away. But it'll be good once I get there.

And I will love to see that day

That day is mine

When she will marry me outside

With the willow tree

And play the songs we made

They made me so

And I would love to see that day

Her day was mine

HBA

Dear Kenneth,
Unfortunately, there was an error in our decision delivery process, andadmission letters were accidentally sent to students who we cannot offeradmission to at this time. We sincerely apologize for this error, and we aresorry that we cannot currently offer you admission to HBA. However, we haveplaced you on our waiting list, and you will be given priority if a spacebecomes available.
Again, our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience this has caused.

This becomes increasingly annoying every time I read it.

Shopping Week Blog

This is going up here so that I can delete the file.
Let it be noted that a lot of this stuff will not make sense to anyone other than myself.
Let it also be noted that I have censored myself by omitting extremely incriminating stuff. ;)

Monday, January 23, 2012

Econ 1010b--Macroeconomics

10:00am: Damn, Ec1010b lecture really got me interested in Econ again. Prof Foote was really interesting and inviting, super super funny.

Gov 40--International Conflict and Cooperation

10:06am: Looks like there are already people sucking up to Prof Rosen.

10:07am: Oh look, Matt Watson is here. As is Doris and Oh, John Grammer—never mind, not him. Ohai Julian.

10:07am: Oh, the suck-ups were actually just section leaders. Oops. #tooquicktojudge

10:08am: Class still hasn’t started… Oh well. :P Still giving out handouts… Oh lol, it’s just a syllabus.

10:10am: OHAI DIANA!

10:12am: A lot more sparse than Ec1010b

10:27am: Interesting insight about being able to look at current events based on historical parallels [Current “jihad” vs. Past European “crusade”]

10:32am: Also Japan-US in WWII vs. Iran-US&allies, with Econ Sanctions à War

10:37am: Maybe I’ll be more interested in a different IR class, or a PoliTheory class. Let’s see how Gov 1061 goes tomorrow.

10:51am: Ended 9 minutes early. Gives me good time to a) go to Sever and b) study for Chinese

Soc ???--something about heirachial organizations

11:10am: lol. People making fun of his accent already. Although, granted, it is difficult to understand him at times.

11:12am: Interesting, another Chinese TF

11:14am: lol, surprisingly high number of guest speakers—seven confirmed, hopefully nine?

11:17am: Ohai Jay. :P

11:18am: Lol. Holworthy freshman spouting out impressive things, just repeating the stuff the senior said, basically.

11:20am: Such a long course introduction.

11:58am: Indeed, the entire class, basically, was just course intro. Attempt to introduce material at the end involved readings that no one had done yet. Lol. Very awkward class, very awkward instructor, people left saying that they were “not feeling it” and those who do stay are probably hoping that the guest lectures and case studies will make up for it [as one girl mentioned]

Ec10 2nd Semester - Macroeconomics

12:07am: Mankiw. First comic: “This is my first recession. How worried should I be? / You’ll be fine as long as you don’t have any hopes and dreams. / But I still have them. / It’s time to yank off that band-aid.” WTF.

Psych ??? - The Psychology of Human Sexuality

1:08pm: Let’s hope this class is offered next year since it hasn’t been for 5 years, lol.

1:11pm: I am SOOOOOOOOO IMMATURE.

1:14pm: “Human beings are always…’up’ for it.”

1:20pm: Highlights—Silvio Berlusconi, Herman Cain, Good ol’ Newt, and hypocritical old closeted Republican men

1:22pm: Too much talk of the female anatomy

1:26pm: “biopsychosocial perspective” <3

1:27pm: “fisting” “titillating”

1:31pm: Interesting distinction between transvestite and transsexual; the former is more of a fetish, the latter psychological/gender identity.

1:44pm: “Based on this research, exposure to semen lowers rates of clinical depression.”

1:49pm: Noice. He’s writing a textbook. AND he writes a SEX COLUMN?! scienceofrelationships.com: “Lusting, Loving, Leaving”

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Gov 1061--The History of Modern Political Philosophy

11:23am: Ohai Krister.

11:40am: obai Krister.

12:05pm: Ohai again, Krister.

Eng??? - Crime and Horror in Victorian Literature

12:07pm: Lol, cheesy music.

12:10pm: How does he use “Exciting” and “Disturbing” in the same sentence?

Ec????--Behavioral Economics

1:08pm: Lol. Kids not looking at the location change [although to be honest, it wasn’t very clear on the course website.]

1:12pm: Yay. Harvard students solving problems on their own. The horde is trickling in.

SLS 20--Psychological Science

2:35pm: Lol—Amboy Duke’s “Journey to the Center of The Mind” not working on Pinker’s laptop. Sadfaice.

2:39pm: His voice is higher than I would have expected. But his sense of humor is nice

2:44pm: Steven Pinker talking to his complaining [battery-dead] Roomba

3:13pm: Steven Pinker just mentioned Viagra and penis enlargement in conjunction with captcha tests

3:37pm: Noticing a lot of overlap with his book

3:48pm: I like how he says “rather” as [ɹɒðə]

AAAAAAAAAAAAND that's a wrap.

Winter Crush

Didn't exactly work out the way I expected.
Indeed, to be completely honest, didn't really work out at all.

We had started messaging each other at the end of last semester, right before finals. The nice (if you could call it that) coincidence was that we had exams the same days--indeed, we shared one exam. But even post-exam period, when we had gone home for the holidays, the messages continued to flow. Most of the time, I wasn't the one initiating them. Regardless, I looked forward to them every night. It was funny--I'd get the messages around 11pm or 12am, when it was already 1-2am on the East Coast. But we would always be chatting for an hour, maybe half, maybe more.

The messages dried up after New Years. I reasoned that it was difficult to enjoy a trip to South Africa and Germany and still find time to text someone back in the States, nine time zones away. Even when messages weren't forthcoming after the trip, I just assumed it was because it was almost time to get back to campus, and everyone was just busy packing.

So it was a little unfortunate when we couldn't exchange over ten words to each other when we finally met up on campus. If we can even call it that. The first two times we met eyes, a total of zero words were spoken. The third time? "Hey." "Oh! Hi!" And then we parted ways.

A few nights later, around 3am when words just start spilling directly from my brain into the world, I sent a message: "Would you like to go for coffee on Friday?" I even gave times when I was available, times on other days if Friday didn't exactly work out. Twenty four hours later, there was still no word. It wasn't until the day after that, when we were chatting about the mundane topic of classes (a conversation that I had started up, albeit on Facebook--as usual), I snuck in a strategic, "So is Friday a no-go?" The answer was as expected.

For a while, I hoped that we may take the same class. We were shopping the same government class, and we met up at a meeting for the Harvard Political Review. Both of us are planning to write articles for the publication, and from the way things look now it seems pretty plausible that we'll be seeing each other at least once a week, in the meeting room. Part of me still wants to break the barrier, to strike up conversation, and perhaps to re-extend that coffee offer. But part of me--a part that's been nagging all along, a part that has compared our intellects and found mine to be far inferior, a part that constantly scolded the overjoyed side of me throughout those few weeks of "attraction"--that part knows that it'll probably come to nothing.

And that's where we stand right now.
And though it had never really had the time to grow into anything in the first place, there's still a sinking feeling when I realize that the "seed" hidden "far beneath the bitter snows" is perpetually frozen, never to make it to the Spring.
#BetteMidler #ohgod #sosappy #thisisneithertwitternortumblrwhyhashtags


Speaking of tumblr... Some recent posts in which I wallow in self-pity:
http://kenmeows.tumblr.com/post/16807201285/simplementconfondu-accurate-if-i-were


http://kenmeows.tumblr.com/post/16852920227



Aaaaaaaand we're done.