Bow ties

So, I'm back in Arizona for the summer. Quite a few friends have scattered across the globe, and even the ones who are still here feel a bit disjointed. People are busy with their lives and schedules. But every once in a while, a few of us manage to get together.

The one instance I've managed to not be unsocial [except for brief excursions to the high school and (today) to Barnes & Noble with some friends] was the Glee Finale party hosted by my friend Kaylie. I wasn't sure about going at first--I hadn't been keeping up with the season, and I felt a little guilty leaving behind people at home, but ultimately I decided to go a little bit before the event. In the hours leading up to it, I searched frantically for a bow tie. The reason? I wanted to dress up like Darren Criss.

Alright, so it's Blaine Anderson to be exact. Darren Criss's style is a bit more varied than Blaine's, since it seems that since transferring to McKinley Blaine's been wearing a bow tie with every outfit. So, I needed a bow tie in order to dress up as Blaine--and maybe some suspenders too. Well, I drove around to the Goodwill, then in the other direction to another thrift shop, and I still couldn't find a bow tie! Lots of regular neckties, but I had enough of those. So I finally headed off to Walmart, hoping that they'd at least have some cheap, basic ones. No luck. Found some suspenders, but decided against investing in them. If I couldn't find a bow tie, then there was no point to them.

I headed home after 45 minutes of searching. I didn't exactly give up, though. Instead, I headed to my dad's closet to do some digging. It took a few minutes before I located his ties--just a measly few hanging on a hanger. But behold! there was indeed a bow tie. Unfortunately, it was a cheap one, made of extremely hard fabric with a fairly cheesy pattern...and it was velcro-ed on. The tie-enthusiast in me died a little, but it couldn't be helped! I tried it on and decided that it didn't look /too/ bad.

So...off to Kaylie's, where I discovered Kaylie dressed as Kurt! It was perfect, since over the winter we had taken a picture with us matching [wearing scarves and cardigans, ahaha]. Time for another snapshot!

The Christmas-time picture. :)

Klaine! Ahaha. :)

It was great, and the plot didn't require a lot of context. Just knowledge that the seniors were graduating [our high school's graduation was just a few days ahead!]. The episode mostly consisted of singing, and Finchel drama. Many cheesy moments, some questionable directing/storyline, but nothing that wasn't classically GLEE!

Anyway, you'd think that my obsession with bow ties would end with the conclusion of the need to dress up as Blaine. But nope--my brain doesn't let go of things that easily [perhaps I am more obsessive than I'd care to admit]. So, Friday afternoon, I went with my cousin and uncle to Scottsdale Fashion Square to locate some bow ties.

My expectation for their prices was that a cheap bow tie would cost around $5-$10, and an expensive one maybe $20. Turns out the super cheap ones were $30, with most being around the $60 range! Expectations shattered. [that said, $5 bow ties are available here.] We left without any bow ties [or pocket squares, which we spent a good 15 minutes looking at]. Instead, I left with a pair of $30 shoes [that my uncle paid for--I can't believe I let him do so without a fight! So ashamed of myself] that I can wear without socks. They look fairly nice!

Given my unsuccessful search, I resolved to look for some cheap bow ties in my time in China. But before giving up, I scoured the interwebs for more! eBay was actually fairly nice--there were a few that looked appealing and cheap. But I resisted the urge to make impulsive, late-night purchases, and instead looked around for some DIY guides. What I found were:

(1) Making a bow tie out of a neck tie. Both temporarily and actually. Since I didn't care to actually cut up one of my ties [or to obtain a tie just to cut it up] and definitely didn't have the skills to actually do so, I ended up doing this:

So tacky, I can't even...

(2) I found some actual DIY guides that I think will be feasible. This one in particular. I was actually leaning toward this at first, but then I realized [or rather, my cousin helped to remind me of] my dislike for these velcro bow ties. :P

So then I looked around for some fabric places near Cambridge and found this nice gem. I think I will be frequenting it at some point. The fabrics are cheap and nice looking. In particular, I think this would be a nice bow tie pattern. :)

Hopefully I don't kill my fingers attempting this, whenever I actually get around to it, if ever. Ahah.

When Good Comes Out of Bad

These last few days have been pretty shitty. Of course, it's been my own doing. Which makes it even worse.
I've harmed someone close to me, broken the trust given to me, overstepped boundaries that had been pretty well established. And now I'm crying over it because I'm a dumbass.

Still, some good has come of it.

I've discovered--or rather, rediscovered--that there are people willing to help me out, willing to be a shoulder to cry on, to put me in a warm and comforting embrace, to bring me out of my self-centered bad moods. Friends who I don't see on a regular basis have reached out and been so kind, have endured my stupid stories and my sour mood, have reassured me (perhaps falsely) that I am not an entirely terrible person.

It's good to know that one has friends.

And as for my victim. As for the friend I hurt, the close friend whose trust I broke. My victim has been extremely understanding. Though ultimately the problem won't be solved until we talk about this issue face-to-face, I've gotten help along the way. Yes, even from him. Especially from him. Despite my selfish and terrible and disgusting actions, he's still there for me, to some capacity. I can't get what I want from him--the hug, the smile, the pat on the head, the "It's okay, I understand"--no, not yet. He's not ready for that yet. And who am I to complain? I created the problem in the first place.

A final good coming out of this: I think the root cause of this problem has been discovered. And with that, it can be remedied. I'm making the steps toward seeking professional help for my issues, since I think I've bothered my friends enough. But more than that, I think I've reached an understanding within myself about what I need to do to prevent this from happening again. I can't promise that I'll be able to do it. It's really out of my control. But I will try my utmost to control it--not to suppress it, but to engage with it and to reason with it.

The heart is hard to translate, as Florence sings. And sometimes, when it speaks in the language of its own, it's hard to have a dialogue with it. It's hard to tell it to "calm yo shit." But I think it's possible. And I'd love to see that day when I heart no longer needs to fight against my brain, the day when the two are compatible. Might be a while away. But it'll be good once I get there.

And I will love to see that day

That day is mine

When she will marry me outside

With the willow tree

And play the songs we made

They made me so

And I would love to see that day

Her day was mine